Something Has Our Attention:

In today’s hyper-connected world, it’s easy to shrug off how often we check our phones. But here’s a number that might give you pause: The average person checks his or her phone 150 times a day.  Let that sink in.  That’s roughly once every 6-7 minutes during waking hours Checking your phone 150 times a day is quietly eroding your relationships. While smartphones keep us informed, entertained, and accessible, they also have a silent cost—especially when it comes to our personal relationships.

You might be physically sitting across from your partner, friend, or child—but are you really there with them? Every time you glance at your screen, your attention splits. It may only be a second, but it sends a subtle message: “Something else might be more important than this moment with you.” Over time, these micro-interruptions add up and can make the people closest to you feel unseen or undervalued.

Clients often check their phone or watches during our counseling session even though I have a sign staring at them: LETS TALK, Please No Cell Phones.  Needless to say, our quality time becomes divided time.

Think about your last dinner with a loved one. Was your phone on the table? Did you check a notification mid-conversation? These habits dilute quality time. What could’ve been a meaningful exchange turns into fragmented connection. Even if you’re nodding along, your emotional availability drops when part of your brain is elsewhere.

There’s even a term for this behavior: phubbing—snubbing someone in favor of your phone. Studies show that couples who engage in more phubbing report lower relationship satisfaction. And it’s not just romantic partners who notice; kids, friends, and family members feel the disconnect too. Over time, people may stop trying to engage deeply if they’re consistently met with half-attention.  We have four teenage grandchildren who would rather be on their phones than spend quality time with their grandparents.  We miss those days when they didn’t have their phones. 

Emotional intimacy takes a hit.  Strong relationships are built on trust, shared experiences, and emotional attunement. Constant phone checking chips away at these foundations. When your attention is constantly being hijacked by alerts, it’s harder to tune into someone else’s emotions, needs, or subtle cues. You miss the moments in between—the pauses, the unsaid feelings, the “I didn’t even know I needed to talk about this” kind of conversations.

This doesn’t mean you need to go off the grid or toss your phone in a lake. But it does mean becoming intentional. So how do we find ways to reclaim connection in a screen-filled world?  Here are a few starting points:

• Create tech-free zones: Make mealtime, car rides, and bedtime device-free as often as possible.
• Be mindful of “just a second” habits: Those quick checks often spiral into full disengagement.
• Turn off non-essential notifications: Your attention is precious—treat it like it is.
• Ask yourself: “Am I checking this out of habit or necessity?” Awareness is the first step to change.

In the end, the people we love want us—our attention, our presence, our care. No app or notification can replace that. So, the next time you feel the impulse to check your phone, pause. Look up. You might find something far more important waiting for you.